"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."- Proverbs 3:5-6
I had lunch with a dear friend the other day. The thing I love about this person is she is very "black-and-white", no sugar on top. She tells it how she sees it and, I have to admit, sometimes I just need to hear the truth.
So- here it is...when I get to a place in life that I don't understand and would rather avoid- I do just that. I busy myself so much, making myself believe it is how I am "coping". But the busier I get, the further I get from being present in the moments that surround me. This truth reminded me of a journal entry I had made when Tessa had pneumonia in October 2015. It is a time when I was forced to sit, be still, and embrace the moments at hand. Here is part of the journal entry:
"With Tessa having pneumonia I have wondered if the good days are over with her. Is this the beginning of a downward trend to her existence? My baby girl has blessed our lives with so much joy, I am not sure what I would do without the instant satisfaction of seeing her, holding her each day. Lord I wish I could take her pain away- to live it for her so she doesn't have to experience sickness. Comfort was our aim when we brought her home and comfort is what she has experienced thus far. I know she has experienced happiness and love. She loves the outdoors. She has served You well. I adore her strength, her desire to live and communicate. The way her lips move when she talks to me; how she looks up at me when I hold her. She always stretches her neck around so she can look up at me. I love the way she chases her angels around the room with her eyes. They ways she talks to them- her heavenly warriors- her friends and protectors. I love the way she smiles when her brother walks into the room. They love her so much. My heart aches for Noel and Tessa to play together- to love- to be able to communicate together like brothers and sisters do. Lord, thank you for the moments they share as family- an external connection only made for siblings to experience. I love how Noel prays for Tessa. When it comes to his sister, he is quite a prayer warrior...it all comes from his heart. I love the way Tessa makes Zane melt. His love for her is strong. You can tell she loves her poppa, too, in the way she looks at him, smiles and loves on him.
Tessa has touched many, many lives. She has done good work here; teaching joy in the oddest circumstances, teaching unconditional love and compassion. She helped me find grace and learn obedience to You. I have been reminded daily that nothing I have, including my family, belongs to me. Its all Yours and it all works for Your good. Thank you for choosing me to facilitate Tessa and Noel's lives on this earth and giving me the opportunity to be their mother. You knew I would say "yes"."
This was followed in prayer-
I pray that I teach your children with dignity, love, open arms- and I pray they never feel lonely or abandoned. I pray we continually do everything you call us to do in management of Tessa's care. You sent a messenger early on that told us Tessa was never meant to be here long, but that she would have a large impact. Lord, whatever the timeline for her existence, I pray for you to remove fear and lies from our household. To continue to love Tessa despite what may be in our future. No Limits. Please protect the hearts of these Tessa has touched; all those who have been impacted in any way by Tessa's existence. Lord bless the lives of every individual who knows or will know our story. Deliver them from their struggles; walk with them; shield their hearts from the lies of evil. Renew their hearts in ways only you are capable, Lord, and bring them hope. By Jesus' stripes all are healed- in Your eyes, perfection exists in Tessa's health- I pray for Your kingdom to come on earth as it is in Heaven. Where no pain (emotional or physical) exists, where perfection roams free, and Your people are claimed as Yours forever. Lord, I love you and everything about You. I look forward to the day I see your face. In Jesus Name, Amen."
Every time I read this journal entry a certain "peace" comes over me. This is my heart...a day where I actually "got real" with how I felt about life-my grief written down- my plea for hearts. The amount of grief and pain I worked through that day is overwhelming. All I can think of is, how amazing for God to work through broken vessels like me. He does amazing things...always. How I love him.