Three months ago, I let go of my baby girl. I remember the day so clearly and I recall my flesh aching so badly because all I wanted in those moments was to hold her and not let go.
That day remains surreal in my mind as I recall my flesh playing tug-of-war with my spirit. My flesh not wanting to release Tessa back to Jesus; but my spirit knowing her job was well done and complete here on earth.
In those last hours, we were able to stream my church's Sunday morning service and Tessa was able to worship with her brothers and sisters; she was able to receive prayer and a releasing back to her real Daddy. I played all of her favorite songs and laid there with her and hugged on her.
I remember the thoughts streaming through my mind of how brave my little girl was. I imagined that before she was sent as life in my womb, she begged God, "Send me! I will be the one. Daddy, I can do this! Send me in the body to bear the cross of Trisomy 18...please Daddy please?!" I imagined how happy Jesus would be with Tessa, saying "Job well done my little soldier, here's a brand new set of wings."
As Pastor Mike was finishing the teaching about "staying true", I recall the doctors coming in and gently saying, "its time to make the decision".
That Sunday morning I was abruptly found at a crossroads. I had reached a point in Tessa's life where I didn't have to question whether or not this was "the day" I would give my daughter back to God like I had questioned so many times before. My spirit knew it was time.
The doctors asked, "Its time for us to know if you would like us to place the breathing tube?" The doctors and I had prior conversations to this moment and I had talked to God quite a lot in the previous 48 hours. If we chose to place the breathing tube, the outcome unknown, but likely would further heartache and suffering on both Tessa's and our family's behalf. Her little lungs had already rejected all other breathing treatments up to this point. If we chose to forego the breathing tube, her journey on this earth would soon be over. She would be at rest; no longer bound by Trisomy 18. She would experience freedom to fly; to dance; to be back in the arms of Jesus.
Her body was groaning to be laid to rest, her lungs backpedaling; her spirit resting (already it seemed) in Jesus' arms. My heart groaned with sadness so I believe my spirit responded to the doctors. I clenched so hard to her frail body. I hugged her so tightly, tears streaming, and I "stayed true". I recall taking a very deep breath. Clenching Tessa and kissing her head. I had found supernatural peace and strength through Jesus to reject further pain and suffering and released her from this world.
God responded with the ultimate in mercy, grace, and peace.
Two and a half hours later; Tessa had no more Trisomy 18. Her last sighs at 2:47 pm. Thoughts and emotions covered me...
Peace; the kind that the Bible describes as "surpasses all understanding" covered my very being.
Joy for my baby girl is set free!
Love; enduring love; unexplainable, unselfish love.
Gratefulness; Tessa unselfishly lived with Trisomy 18 so those she encountered could find life in Jesus.
Suffocation; I pleaded, "Give her my breath, God."
Numb; the pain, still very real in my heart to this day, but bearable with Jesus as my source of strength and direction.
I can tell you, friends, that letting go sucks so bad when you are giving up someone (or something) that means so much to you; yearning for those last moments to remain forever.
Do you know those moments I am speaking of? Those moments where you know its not going to be the same after you pull the plug or cut the cord. Those moments where you know its time to let go.
My friend, is God asking you to let go of something or someone? A past? A dream? Burdens? Weaknesses? Are you in a tug-of-war between what your flesh is groaning for and where your spirit is directing you?
You may be at a similar crossroads where God is asking you to choose. If you choose life support, know that prolonged suffering in that situation is eminent and it may not even be you that it causes suffering. Holding on may also hold you back from the real life God wants for you.
God is asking you to let go because He wants to release you from your suffering; your angst; your striving. He loves you so much and He is a merciful Father. So today, I urge you to surrender; to trust in His faithfulness; cut the cord; pull the plug. This may be the hardest choice you ever are going to make but the Father will protect your future if you follow in the path He has directed you today.
If you choose to let go, God promises to carry you. He is faithful. He is Good and He has your best interest at heart. He aches to show you His faithfulness in your life.
I don't know what you are going through, my friend. But I do know my God is a good, good Father. If you can see His faithfulness in my life, I promise that He will show you faithfulness in yours. Standing here at this crossroad, I urge you to choose the path lit by Jesus.